My eyes flicker, light flashing in, unable to focus, to clearly see… this, this is what this season of uncertainty feels like.
Isn’t that so true though? I wish with everything in me that I was walking in boldness and clarity in every moment. Yet as the moments of uncertainty grow, fear seeps into the cracks of my mind and my heart. Instead of clinging to promises, I see my heart cling to broken promises. It replays the lie that I will be abandoned, I am not enough, I am not of worth. Of course LIES… but the replay of history subtly speaks the lies of discouragement, of destruction. And in those moments I turn on the very one that is my partner, my husband. My heart crying out for him to fix this, to give me security, to make sure that I feel as though I am thought of. Yes, every woman wants to be reassured, comforted. However, if I am to be much more honest, what I am looking for from him is for him to still my heart. Sure, we could hurl accusations, facts even, of how the other has betrayed them. But then we do nothing to build trust and love and respect. It is in this very moment that I need to lean into the mantra ‘I am for YOU and not against you’. I need my eyes to focus back on to WHO God is. I need to be clinging to promises that have never been broken. I will remain unstable, blind, fumbling until I choose to cling on the unchanging character of Christ.
Christ is the only one who can handle the rollercoaster of emotions and my fragmented thoughts. He is the only one who can care for my heart and speaks what is True in such a way for me to hear it. As He holds my heart God whispers into it the truths… I am His, I am loved, He is with me – I am not alone. This story is not over, it is but one small chapter in my life, and only a dot in the story of God.
May He quiet Greg and my soul in every way so that we may both hear what is True.
So just in case you haven’t heard this song by Lauren Daigle ‘Here’s My Heart..’ click on this link: Here’s my heart